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| i am spread so thin, my sustenance divided and spread between boys and words and decisions and travel. the aching need in my hollow bones and the pain beneath my fingernails don't reveal anything new to me, just a reminder that i am not enough, that i can't be enough. gillian: three syllables, meaningless apart, meaningless together. a rose by any other name, but i don't see any roses here, sweetheart. just a kid with nothing else to give.
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| three years ago, i scrawled in a journal that i would rather be killed than be killed. and now, two years and one day after our first date, after all of this, i'd jump in front of a train, take a round of bullets, swim the atlantic ocean for you. just saying.
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| a good bottle of red wine and stained sheets, near-strangers learning each other so quickly. awkward pleasantries become deep secrets at about 3am, and by noon the next day my hair is mussed and his eyes are tired but we felt infinite, warm in each other's arms. i was what he had needed and his mouth fit so well over mine. and he kissed me goodbye on the train platform, his hands cupping my face and grinning. i'm so tempted to vanish but i really liked being next to him.
all of this romance lately, it's become too much to handle. so much is being asked of me and i don't have enough to give! it's sex and it's connection and it's a lack of color and feeling and substance. i wish i felt like myself when i looked into someone else's eyes.
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| in the most recent photo of you there is ink on your arm, a new imprint of an oak tree, delicate pen lines on your large bicep. i was always the one who discussed getting a tattoo, not you. but i decided on mine, and it wasn't because of you. white ink, on my wrist. i always wanted some sort of poetry, but i just decided on a word. it's going to say "faith". faith in myself, faith in others, faith that the sun will rise when it seems it's darkest. in script.
i think this is the only idea i've had that isn't connected to love. this is faith, for myself. this is silent, quiet, nearly invisible reminder to believe.
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| bad things that have happened in the last few days
1) bombed my astronomy midterm. and by bombed, i mean i did worse on this test than on any other test i have ever taken ever. by my calculations, i'm still passing the class, and mostly because my two midterms average together. but i need to pull myself together if i want to manage a decent grade. that means As on all the quizzes and homeworks from now on, and owning that final.
2) i have come to the realization that i am not "datable". eric was the one very strange exception to this rule. guys want to sleep with me, fool around with me, treat me like a guy and not take much else into account. i guess that's fine, but when my good friends here are just so very datable, i feel like a whole. and used. i don't mind the occasional hookup, but it gets old.
3) i got ridiculously stressed and therefore sick. i can't even do anything with my life, i'm freaking out to such a degree. if this is college, i won't survive the next four years.
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